Auf Wiedersehen 2018!

2018

What a year. A year that I hated, a year that I couldn't wait for it to be over, a year that I was afraid was just a preview of the years to come. I thought I would hate looking back on 2018, I thought I wouldn't want to. 

But that was only my feeling for three-fourths of the year. :P If you read my previous post 'May Your Red Balloon Find You' you'll know the past few years were difficult ones. Depression and anxiety got to know me much better than I would ever have wanted. Just typing that sentence makes my chest tighten. The severity and harshness of struggling with those kinds of things left me feeling raw and hesitant to look back. Most times, on the inside I felt like a roiling black sea. Never stable, never calm, only growing in intensity and force.

So now that I've placed all of that fun stuff before you let me tell you the good news! 2018 ended with me feeling happy, feeling content and best of all, feeling like me. What a whiplash statement, right? But a good one! I don't remember the month, I don't remember the day, I don't know even know what caused it to happen, all I know is that something changed and I am so grateful that it did.

In November of 2016 after a conversation with one of my best friends, I felt something change inside of me and I knew that this time I would not be able to just grin and bear it. I couldn't smile, I couldn't enjoy anything, I felt like I was in a downward spiral that would never end. I wanted it all to end, I even entertained thoughts of ending my own life. I felt like a caged animal most of the time, I felt like I was going crazy. My living situation during this time was another stressor and I never felt like I had a place to go and deal with what was going on inside.

But then, a few months ago, I was with another friend and we were talking into the wee hours of the morning. We were talking about so many different things, faith, daily struggles, etc. And somehow while we were talking I started feeling a weight being lifted from my shoulders. It wasn't just a feeling of being different, feelings aren't exactly reliable. I was different. And ever since then it feels like things are finally falling into place and that I'm about to start a brand new chapter. And I can't wait to read it.

Most of 2018 had me feelings at odds with friends, feeling distant with everyone, feeling like nothing would ever change. The end of 2018 brought new friends into my life and better self understanding. I found myself not just feeling but being happy and content. Yes there are still things to work through, things I want to change, places I want to go to, etc. I always have a list of things in my head to do and see and learn. And I have 364 more days to get started on all of it!

So if nothing else, I really hope that this new year of 2019 will see you happy. Because once you have that, you have everything. 

Happy New Year!

Ciao!