May Your Red Balloon Find You

A few nights ago I took my nephew to see the new movie ‘Christopher Robin’. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the movie or how it would be seeing some of my favorite cartoon characters in a live action film. I grew up watching and loving Winnie the Pooh, especially Piglet with his constant 'oh d-d-d-dearie dear!' Almost from the moment the movie started I realized I would be watching this in a slightly different mindset than the one I thought I would be. Not watching as though I were reliving my childhood through the antics of all the animals from the Hundred Acre Woods…but through my own weighed down adult eyes, who just like Christopher Robin in the film, had to learn again, how to see the world and the simple joyful pleasures that exist, something that Pooh, though he is a bear of very little brain, never forgot how to do.

For several years now I have been having a very difficult time fighting increasing anxiety, feelings of loneliness, depression and a whole host of emotions and feelings that I never would have thought I would be dealing with. My personality was always a bit like Tigger, eternally cheerful, well, as long as I could keep on bouncing. But just like Tigger, when things came about that made it more difficult to bounce, I didn’t quite know how to cope. And a bit like Rabbit, I just put my head down and tried to persevere through insisting that my emotions ‘behave’ and stay tidy and we’ll make it through. The problem with doing that is at some point, the dam will break and you will be flooded with all the things that you thought you worked through and had made alright.

I don’t like to think about the time because of the acute pain and misery I was in so I’ll only briefly reference it now. I may not have been off fighting in a war like Christopher Robin, but I was fighting my own battles internally. Unlike Christopher Robin I returned to my childhood ‘home’, the area I grew up, but like most things, everything had changed. I was no longer a child, my friends had grown up and were creating their own new lives whether it was marriage, having children, etc. I made and lost some friends not long after moving back and even moved out on my own for the first time. It was around that time I started dealing with insomnia, I got very little sleep or very little restful sleep for several years. I began to feel more and more depressed. And at the end of 2016 and for several months after that, the dam broke, and I sank. So very much like Christopher Robin as an adult, I was feeling all the stress that makes you feel so cut off from the most important people in your life.

It’s hard to convey to people who don’t deal with some kind of depression and anxiety just what it’s like to feel the things you do. There were days I felt like a caged animal, ready to snap. There were days when I felt as timid as a mouse and the thought of doing something as simple as going outside brought on a panic attack. I would swing between feelings of extreme anger and bitterness, to feeling completely numb and empty inside. I had feelings of loneliness so strong it was like a physical pain in my chest and there were many days, where all I could do was curl up at the end of the sofa and cry, not having the energy to get dressed, take a shower, or do anything other than just lie there.

At this point you're probably thinking I'm making Eeyore look like a ray of sunshine. And maybe you're also wondering what on earth do all those morose things have to do with beloved children’s characters? Well....keep reading. This past week has been a difficult one. Like Christopher Robin, I had made some plans for the weekend, but like his stress and job consumed him and dictated his world, so my anxiety did with me. I confided in my family and one or two close friends the feelings or lack thereof that I was fighting with. I had such strong feelings of emptiness, of having nothing and being nothing that even though they all continued to show me unwavering love and support, my feelings didn’t just disappear. I felt emotional almost every day, never knowing when I woke up, whether it would be a good day, better day or worse day. So with all of that going on inside me, we went to see Christopher Robin.

If you haven’t seen it, I’ll do my best not to spoil it. Childhood is something I feel so many of us look back on so often and idealize the good parts and try to forget the bad and remember it as the best of times. It would be nice sometimes or easier if our childhood were a person we could say farewell to and watch them walk away, knowing it really was the end of an era. But often, the goodbye is gradual as we slowly grow up and become what we are. The film began with Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore, Owl, Rabbit, Kanga and Roo hosting a farewell party for Christopher Robin which immediately made me feel emotional but I managed to not give in to the lump forming in my throat.

The friends had their farewell party complete with a cake that was devoured in record time and the story progressed and more chapters in Christopher Robin’s life were flipped through and despite his childhood promise, he did begin to forget his childhood friends. Until one day, while taking refuge in a park, he ran into none other, than Pooh. And here was my favorite line in the entire movie. Unable to believe his eyes Christopher Robin began frantically telling himself he was seeing things and it was just stress to which Pooh replied “It’s not stress, it’s Pooh.” Such a simple phrase and it just stuck with me.

Of course over the next hour or so a little bit of mayhem ensues as Christopher Robin attempts to return Pooh to his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood which to his view, is yet another stressor in his already hectic life. Pooh of course, though he claims to be a bear of very little brain, continues to view his surroundings in his Pooh way, taking everything as it comes and never getting bothered, even when Christopher Robin loses his temper and yells, Pooh never stops seeing him for what he is, his friend.

I think that's what stood out to me the most and somehow, provided me with a much needed, and unexpected, feeling of calm. Pooh was never overtly optimistic. He simply viewed everything as he always had, the adult stresses Christopher Robin was facing and feeling overwhelmed by didn't phase Pooh as the core things in life that really mattered, had not changed. Christopher Robin just needed a little reminding. And Pooh didn't need a balloon but he would very much like one all the same, please, please, pleassseee. Why did he want a balloon? Because it made him happy.

I left the theater not only having enjoyed some time well spent with my nephew and seeing some of my favorite childhood characters again on the big screen, but also just a quiet reassurance that even when things feel topsy turvy and it feels like the heffalumps and woozils are about to attack, I will be ok. It might be scary sometimes, but just like Christopher Robin realized, he and his family and childhood friends and my family and friends are better when we are together. 

So maybe the next time I feel like anxiety and depression are taking over, I can find myself a red balloon and tell myself, "It's not stress, it's Pooh."